I have a new hobby.
Typically I am a hobbier hobbiest (yes, I know that neither of those are real words). I like to try a lot of different hobbies, but rarely stick with one for more than a few months.
That sound you just heard was MotH yelling "YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN".
However, I'm afraid this "hobby" is here to stay. In fact, it will likely require MORE effort as time goes on.
What is this new hobby, you ask? (ask....go ahead. I'll wait.)
Plucking strange, wiry hairs from places on my face that should NOT be growing strange, wiry hairs. (Now that I think about it, should ANY part of my face grow strange, wiry hair? I think not.)
What. Is up. WITH THAT?!
Can I get a few nods of sympathy from my fellow sisters?
Men have NO idea what we do. Sure, I could go "au naturel", but really......does anyone want that?
Do I REALLY want my boys complaining that mom gave them WHISKER BURN?!
Perish the thought.
Do you know the only thing WORSE than having to pluck these errant hairs?
Pinching the skin and wounding myself. Nothing quite announces to the world "Hey, I have the beginnings of a mustache" like a bloody little scab just high enough on the lip that you could never convince someone that you bit yourself.
It's almost as attractive as the tell-tale scab above my eye that announces to society that I pluck my eyebrows in a bid to avoid Bert-dome (of Bert and Ernie fame).
But do you know what REALLY chaps my hide?
My mother, when I rant about this, says "oh, I get one out of my mole and I just shave it off".
Thanks, mom. Clearly I get my sasquatch genes from dad's side.
But hey, pain for beauty doesn't stop there! Oh no, there is more.
Let's add to the list.....
*burning my neck/forehead/STOMACH! with a curling iron
*getting hair sucked into the back of the hair dryer (and enjoying the resulting charred hair smell)
*poking my eye with the mascara wand
*having to fish eyeshadow pieces off my eyeball
*shaving the bikini area (which is ironic, since my "area" hasn't seen the sunny side of a bikini in 15 years. Be grateful.)
*shaving, exfoliating and otherwise sanding the rough skin off of my feet for sandal season
*trying to blow dry my hair with a round brush. Trust me, that's not a mistake I'll make again. I thought I'd need the jaws of life to get that dang brush out of my hair. The only other time my hair tangled that fast was when my brother stuck one of those cars you pull back and it drives forward in my hair.
And that's just what I came up with in five minutes!
My sister was recently telling me about a lip plumping lip gloss she bought. I told her "you know, they put cayenne pepper in that to irritate your lips and make them swell". She said "I wondered what that was! I'm afraid to kiss the baby with it on because it MIGHT BURN HIS FACE like it does my lips.".
Yet has she stopped USING this lip irritant? No, because BEAUTY IS PAIN.
Is any of this SANE? We scoff at people that willingly inject themselves with toxins in a bid for a smooth forehead, yet don't we (okay, me) secretly think "I wonder if that works....." when we stare in the mirror?
I'm telling you, men have NO idea the type of maintenance that is required.
Oh, and next time you see me and I have a scab above my lip, I jabbed myself with a chopstick.
3 years ago