Monday, November 17, 2008

Week One: A Tale of Many Emotions

NR is a week old. They grow up so fast. He has all kinds of new skills.

For example, he can scream loud enough to send his big brother running for his bedroom. He sounds a bit like a pterodactyl.


This last week has been an interesting "ride". MotH was home with NR and I all week and it was great, especially once a rather significant case of "baby blues" hit starting Thursday evening (it was nice to have someone home with me when the blues started). They haven't stopped hitting me, although MotH is now back at work.

Makes life oodles of fun.

I'm not sure that I have experienced such a wide range of emotions, during such a short amount of time, at any other point in my life.

Included in my list o' emotions:

Guilt: As in bring-me-to-my-knees-guilt over AM. Yes, we knew he would need to adjust to the sounds of a baby (kid sounds, especially crying/whining, are a sensory "trigger" for him), but actually watching him struggle to cope is making this mama very, very sad.

Content: Is there anything more peaceful then holding a soft, sweet-smelling newborn on your chest? If there is, we should market it and we'll make millions.

Despondency: I have spent the majority of the last four nights crying. As in the "ugly" cry. There's snot involved. I know it's (hopefully) just the baby blues, but it has made the last few days very difficult. It doesn't help that we are now having some breastfeeding struggles, which also make me feel guilty. It's hard to describe the depth of sadness I've felt. The level of anxiety. Yet I know that there are "been there, done that" moms that read this that will know exactly how I feel. Sorry to say, but that doesn't make me feel better.

Guilt: Yes, I've mentioned that. I also feel guilty that I'll have to miss some of AM's school things for the holidays. NR's doctor asked that we skip public places for eight weeks (holy cow!!) since it's cold/flu season and he's a newborn.

Heartbroken: When I asked AM if he wanted his dad or me to go to his Thanksgiving meal at school, he immediately said he wanted his dad. He wants me to stay home with NR. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but it still broke my heart.

Frustration: We've dealt with jaundice (NR was on a bili bed for two days) and had to supplement since my milk took FOREVER to come in and we needed to get his bili levels down. Luckily, he is more interested in breastfeeding then bottle feeding. Unfortunately, his "latch" wasn't all that great and I'm now in a large amount of pain with each feeding.

Fear: I'm scared that my life will never feel "normal" again. That the adjustment will take a long time and that I won't find a balance. I'm afraid that one or both of my kids will end up resenting me.

Vanity: It's amazing how I went from loving my belly, cherishing my belly, lovingly touching my despising the flab and fluff strapped to my midsection. I think it's took 60 seconds for the transformation. It's true: there is a thin line between love and hate. It's called a cervix. I got on the scale. Why did I do that? It made me so depressed I ate brownies, which is sure to help the situation.

Exhaustion: Luckily, that has improved. The first couple of nights NR woke up at 9pm and stayed up until 4am. I nearly came unglued, since AM did that for MONTHS after coming home. Luckily NR has allowed me to sleep between feedings the last couple of nights.

Okay, I'm done for now. I'm about as much fun to be around as the Grinch........before all the Who's worked their Who-magic on him.


mommy4life said...

I know the "been there, done that speech" doesn't help so I won't offer it. Instead, I'll offer an I'm sorry....

Trust your doctor on the public places thing for flu season. We didn't do it with our boy (dec baby) and ended up at Children's Mercy with him at 1 month old for dehydration because he had the flu. NOT FUN!!!

Mr. and Mrs. Nurse Boy said...

I have not been there or done that, but I remember seeing it three times. I love and hate the time of life that you are in right now. All I have to say is nap as much as you can. Also, think of the relations ship that your kids are going to have. That wouldn't be able to happen if you didn't turn AM's world upside down right now.

Chaos-Jamie said...

Um, yeah.

I get it. Boy do I. Please, please remember to call in the troops when you need to. When we are in the depths of despair we can't think of a single person we can call that will make anything better, but I'd bet that any one of those of us commenting would be willing to come over at the drop of a hat for anything. Even to do the dishes. And that's saying something.