Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Raising a boy

I actually posted this (on a message board) several weeks ago, but I just read a blog written by a new boy-mom and was inspired to put it here :). It's 7am and I have to get ready for work, so forgive type-o's.

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I got up this morning. That went pretty well. I was a little grumpy because MotH didn't make any coffee, but I fired up the Tassimo and had a latte. Things are much easier to deal with when I've had caffeine.

AM got up shortly after I did. He was NOT grumpy. In fact, he was a chatterbox, but then he usually is. He takes after his father in the morning, all happy and crap. What's wrong with people like that anyway? You just can't trust a person that's happy when they still have morning breath.

I told him to go to the bathroom then go in his room and get dressed. That's when things quickly went downhill.

I know something has gone wrong when I hear "um, mom". I was putting my makeup on (or at least I was poised to put makeup on...... my foundation brush was in one hand, my concealer in the other. None of it was actually on my face yet. That might explain part of my grumpiness. A mother shouldn't have to face problems until she's properly concealed the bags under her eyes. I think it's in the Constitution or something)).

Okay, so he goes "um, mom". I groaned and said "yessssss??". He says "I accidently peed on the floor".

Peed on the floor. Okay, this has happened before and in our house, if you pee on the floor, you clean it up. I come around the corner and he looks sheepish. I go in the bathroom........he peed on everything. He says "I forgot to lift the lid mom, sorry".

Can someone please explain to me how one "forgets" to lift the lid? Furthermore, is the pee fountain flying all over the lid, the surrounding toilet, the wall, the trash can and the floor not a perfectly good indication that it's time to STOP peeing, lift the lid and then finish the job?

I guess I "just don't understand" what it's like when a boy pees.

Now, he initially tried to (apparently) fix the problem. That explains why the brand new roll of toilet paper (which I had JUST put on the roll five minutes earlier) is soaked in pee. He tried to unroll it to clean the mess, and it popped off the roll (the little roll-tube thing fell into the trashcan....something I didn't realize until AFTER I filled the can with pee-covered paper towels) and so he just tried to use the whole roll. When that failed, he put the roll ON THE COUNTER in the bathroom.

I admit it, I sort of lost it. I didn't scream, but I spoke in an urgent and fairly elevated voice. I went and got paper towels (a lot of them) and Windex and told him to wipe up the mess on the floor (I'm nearly vomiting....I don't do "bodily waste" very well). I went back downstairs to get more paper towels and come upstairs to find a wad of paper towels in the toilet. Yep, the toilet.

My toilet doesn't like paper towels very well. Still feeling stupidly optimistic (when it clearly wasn't warranted), I thought "maybe there aren't as many as I think there are".......and they were covered in pee, which means there is now pee in the toilet. I'll flush it and see what happens.

So the water begins to rise and I thank heavens we have a rapid shut-off valve. Have I mentioned that this is the ONE working toilet we have in the house, and that MotH has been at work since 4am....so I am now mom (albeit a flustered and not particularly nice "mom", at that moment), pee cleaner-upper AND plumber.

Two inches of the THREE paper towels that got flushed are hanging out of the little "hole" where things are typically whisked into the sewer systems, never to be given further consideration.

That is how I found myself (the foundation brush and concealer have been put down, away from the toilet paper roll that is still on the bathroom counter at this point) with my hand IN the toilet, fishing three paper towels from the innards of the toilet. I'm grateful that they stayed intact. I heartily endorse the hardiness of Bounty paper towels. They do indeed perform, and not fall apart, even handling the dirtiest of jobs.

So I get all the pee cleaned up (AM sits on the side of the tub and watches me, encouraging me "you're doing a great job, mom"), get the trash taken down to the garage (the toilet paper roll has now been thrown away), clean everything, clean everything again, scrub myself down, make sure HE gets scrubbed down and life resumes.

Tonight we will be running pee-drills in my house. AM will pretend that he "really has to go" and we'll run up to the bathroom to see if we can improve his lid-lifting times. I just need to find my stop watch to time him.