I know I should be an expert.
I have two. I'm married to one. I've kissed.........more than one. I spent countless hours obsessing over them with girlfriends (relax, the kissing and obsessing happend PRE-MoTH).
Yet, they remain a mystery to me.
This is where I insert a disclaimer warning those that are faint of heart to turn away. Really. Go. Now.
Rather than starting with what I do not know, I will make a short list of the things I DO know:
1 - cars
2 - action figures
3 - dirt
4 - constantly seeking validation that yes, indeed, he is the fastest nine year old I've ever seen
However, the one thing I do NOT understand overshadows everything else.
What is it?
I heard that gasp. Yes, that's right. I do NOT understand the ceaseless fascination with the penis.
I've heard it said that when you are the mother of a boy, you only have to worry about one penis (compared to the mother of a girl that has to worry about all the penises).
What that cute little saying FAILS to mention is that a boy's relationship with his little willy starts WAY earlier than most girls notice their tender vittles.
For example: NR has become nearly impossible to change. The minute you take the diaper off, it's GAME. ON. He turns into Al Bundy, stuffing his hand down his pants. Laughing. Giggling.
It is an endless source of fascination and I have to be honest. It makes me a triffle uncomfortable.
I mean I don't even LIKE the word "penis".
And, judging by any major sporting event and all the "adjusting" that goes on (yes, it's still there.......but it's a good thing you check EVERY FIVE MINUTES ON LIVE TV), the obsession doesn't end during childhood.
Nothing bonds a group of men together, young and old, faster than seeing someone take it in the junk and double over. The collective moans will rumble through the room, some men even break into a cold sweat.
Do these same men mutter nary a peep when their women folk squeeze live humans from their tender vittles? No, they do not.
I'm getting off track.
Anyway, so I don't understand the obsession. I also don't understand the total resistance to bathing. Does AM WANT to be the smelly kid in class? You'd think he'd LOVE the shower.
So, yeah. That's my confession today. I don't understand boys. And, also, I need to stock up on antibacterial soap.
1 year ago