Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Boyz - I Just Don't Get'em

I know I should be an expert.

I have two.  I'm married to one.  I've kissed.........more than one.  I spent countless hours obsessing over them with girlfriends (relax, the kissing and obsessing happend PRE-MoTH).

Yet, they remain a mystery to me.

This is where I insert a disclaimer warning those that are faint of heart to turn away.  Really.  Go.  Now.

Rather than starting with what I do not know, I will make a short list of the things I DO know:

1 - cars
2 - action figures
3 - dirt
4 - constantly seeking validation that yes, indeed, he is the fastest nine year old I've ever seen

However, the one thing I do NOT understand overshadows everything else.

What is it?




I heard that gasp.  Yes, that's right.  I do NOT understand the ceaseless fascination with the penis.

I've heard it said that when you are the mother of a boy, you only have to worry about one penis (compared to the mother of a girl that has to worry about all the penises).

What that cute little saying FAILS to mention is that a boy's relationship with his little willy starts WAY earlier than most girls notice their tender vittles.

For example:  NR has become nearly impossible to change.  The minute you take the diaper off, it's GAME. ON.  He turns into Al Bundy, stuffing his hand down his pants.  Laughing.  Giggling.

It is an endless source of fascination and I have to be honest.  It makes me a triffle uncomfortable.

I mean I don't even LIKE the word "penis".

And, judging by any major sporting event and all the "adjusting" that goes on (yes, it's still there.......but it's a good thing you check EVERY FIVE MINUTES ON LIVE TV), the obsession doesn't end during childhood. 

Nothing bonds a group of men together, young and old, faster than seeing someone take it in the junk and double over.  The collective moans will rumble through the room, some men even break into a cold sweat.

Do these same men mutter nary a peep when their women folk squeeze live humans from their tender vittles?  No, they do not.

I'm getting off track.

Anyway, so I don't understand the obsession.   I also don't understand the total resistance to bathing.  Does AM WANT to be the smelly kid in class?  You'd think he'd LOVE the shower.

So, yeah.  That's my confession today.  I don't understand boys.  And, also, I need to stock up on antibacterial soap.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

No use crying over crap. Unless, of course, there is a reason.

I just realized that I started a post way back in December that I never put on the blog. So I just added it. It's a rather incomplete post. Such is life.

Riddle me this: where did all this crap come from? No, really. Where? Despite my repeated threats to a: burn the storage unit down (vetoed because I look quite wretched in prison orange) or b: open it up and sell everything for whatever someone is willing to pay, all of my possessions are now in the "new" house.

Currently, my preferred method of dealing with Mt. Boxes is to ignore them. Since they are in my garage, right next to the car, this is more impressive than it sounds. I'm a regular artist in the Art of Denial.

On to other topics, because it's hard to deny the fortress of cardboard if I keep talking about it.....

MotH has turned into the Septic Tank Nazi. Oh, I know you're saying to yourself "I hate how everyone throws around the word 'Nazi' to describe an overbearing/tyrannical person". Trust me, I feel you. But here me out (and if you are still offended, take it out on Seinfield. He mainstreamed the word when he introduced us to the Soup Nazi.).

First, a little background. The house we bought failed it's septic inspection. This created a bit of a problem (10 DAYS BEFORE CLOSING), but we ended up with a new, fancy, box-that-holds-our-poop.

Jealous, right?

Anyway, MotH has been known, in the past, to be a little passionate about things. That is to say that he gets a wee obsessed when he's on a mission.

His mission: to reduce the flow of water into our septic to let the laterals/drainfield (you can figure out what that means) "heal".

I'll sum it up this way: if it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down. I. Am. So. Not. Kidding. Thankfully we will soon own new, low-volume toilets and we can flush at will.

That is only ONE example of his septic tyranny. I rest my case.

There's more, but I'm tired and it will have to wait.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Welcome to My Whirlwind

Do you ever have so many things going on at one time that you're not sure which way is up? But you don't want to complain because you know many people dealing with FAR more significant problems?

Yeah, me too.

That's why I have this blog. I can whiiiinnnnneeee all I want :).

We spent most of this last summer working on our house to make it irresistible to potential buyers.

When we bought this house, we made some classic first-timer mistakes. Namely, we didn't bother checking on their future plans for our street. Turns out, they planned to make it a "major collector". That's a nice way of saying "we're going to turn your street into a subdivision freeway".

So we figured we needed an irresistible house to overcome the obvious flaw we can do nothing about.

Everyone loved the house, hated the street (duh, that's why WE wanted to move!).

Finally a single guy (perfect for this location) saw the house and loved it. He made an offer the Monday before Thanksgiving and we close December 23!

Yay, yay, yay!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, crap................

We don't have anywhere to live.

There was very, very, very little on the market that had what we were looking for: a little land, extra garage (if possible), desolate street, etc...

Long story short, we made an offer last night on a house and it was accepted. We close on 12/30 and will have to stay with my parents for a week or so (Merry Christmas mom and dad!).

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Mom, we aren't ALLOWED to kiss in school

How is it that I suddenly find myself having conversations about girlfriends with my nine year old???

Sure, I was in kindergarten when I had my first boyfriend. His name was Scott (yes, I remember his last name too) and he liked my belt with sparkles in it. I chased him. He chased me. He broke my heart. I flipped over on the bar and got over it.

Young love.

But MY nine year old being aware that there are girls?

So not ready for that.

MotH and I were teasing AM last night about whether or not he thought any girls at school were pretty. Suddenly, he has an opinion!


Thankfully, Pokemon, Star Wars and Encyclopedia Brown still get top billing..........but I think I saw a brief glimpse into my future. And that future isn't NEARLY as far away as I want it to be!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


I would promise that this is the (re) start of regular blogging, but I'll be honest with you.

I'm a fickle person. Plus, it turns out that ENTIRE MONTHS go by without me realizing it. If I don't post again until next May it isn't because I'm lazy, it's because I'm unaware of the passage of time.

For example: NR turned ONE yesterday. ONE!!! How is it possible that twelve months have gone by since I had my epidural?!

I MEAN THE BABY. Since I had the baby.

And since you asked, I'm back to pre-pregnancy weight. Oooohhh, ahhhhh......I love the magic of the internet. Particularly when I don't have a webcam to expose my stretching of the truth for what it really is...........a blatant, fat-faced lie.

Since I've been an absentee blogger for a good number of months, I've had time to amass a list of observations. Here are a couple:

What happened to AM? No, seriously. What happened? Was it Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Alien abduction? Why was he incapable of rolling his eyes at 8 years 364 days, then embracing that as his sole means of expression the day he turned 9?

And the looks! I know I NEVER looked at my mother that way.

*ahem* (I wonder if my mom still reads this).

What about NR? What's he up to these days? Oh, JUST MAKING ME CRAZY. I swear. How many arms/hands come standard on a baby these days? I don't recall paying for any upgrades (just your standard PPO package), yet I seem to have received a baby with at least four arms/hands.

There are times when I swear that my entire day consists of me moving him from one contraption to another to keep him out of things.

And why does he eat my furniture? My poor ottoman looks like it's been attacked by rabid Chihuahuas. He now has eight teeth and I'll be honest with you..... I'm not sure he was ready for the responsibility. Is it legal to put tobassco on things to keep him from chewing on them (vinegar didn't work. He likes pickles too much.).

Let's see. What other critically important news should I share?


I get my hairs did about every three months. Highlights, lowlights. Love 'em.

All of a sudden, I am sprouting grays faster than I can afford to make a trip for camoflauging. They are, of course, ALL around my face.

I'm completely distraught. Distressed is an understatement. I don't know what to do! Do I use a semi-perm color to buy me time between salon visits? Embrace my natural side and let it do what God intends.

Okay, that is SO not going to happen.

MotH laughs and thinks it's funny. Of course his solution is to ignore it (let's see how he feels when people ask him why he's hangin' with his mother!) or to have me color it myself. Nevermind the fact that the last time I did that, he said "I don't think that's a color found in nature".

This is going to get too long. I need to pace myself. No need for months of silence in one post.

Until next time. Whenever that is...........

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


So Mrs. Nurse Boy "tagged" me on a meme. The instructions say I'm supposed to tag eight more people.

How terribly pathetic is it that the only bloggers I know were already tagged by her? Yeah, that's what I thought.

I will answer your meme, Mrs. Nurse Boy, but I cannot follow your instructions. I guess this means it's time to broaden my bloggisphere.

1. What are your current obsessions? I don't really know. There are some issues I'm obsessed with. Like "what happened to my entire spring/summer non-maternity wardrobe?".

Seriously. Where is it?! I packed it up last spring to make room for maternity clothes and it's gone. Vanished. No t-shirts. No capris. Nothing.

How does that happen? Is someone messing with me? Am I on Candid Camera? Is the entire country laughing at my expense when I look under my bed for the twentieth time because I KNOW that is where I put the Space Bag?

2. Which item from your wardrobe do you wear most often? Underpants. I was going to say "bra and underpants", but I usually chuck the bra when I get home to let the girls breath. Perhaps they'll re-inflate if I do that often enough?

3. What's for dinner? Tonight I had a sleeping baby on me until 6:30 p.m., so it was Morning Star "chicken" patties. They are surprisingly yummy. I sliced mine up and had a salad and the guys had sandwiches. And green beans.

Last night it was steak, couscous and fresh green beans (I swear we don't always eat green just worked out that way the last couple of nights).

4. Last thing you bought? Dishwasher detergent, a 12-pack of Bounty, formula and chips for Field Day on Friday.

Oh, and a dark chocolate candy bar that was so bitter I couldn't eat it. Don't EVEN get me started on that. Dark chocolate is the only "treat" I'm allowing myself these days and the one I got tasted like chocolate crap. Yes, I said "CRAP". Sometimes "poop" just doesn't do the situation justice. This is one of those times.

5. What are you listening to? "Father of the Bride", for probably the one-gazillionth time. White noise (a.k.a. the alarm clock tuned to static) through the baby monitor

6. If you were a god/goddess who would you be? Goddess of Frustration. "Frustration" seems to be the story of my life lately.

7. Favorite vacation spots? I love both the beach and the mountains. My sis and I like to take long weekend trips to the beach (Florida). We spend our time with our toes buried in the sand, reading a good book and napping.

I grew up going to the mountains and there is something about them that is a balm to my soul.

Ironically, MotH and I are not ideal travel-mates. He feels like he has to be DOING something every second of every day and I go on vacation to NOT do something every second of every day.

8. Reading right now? Lying on Sundays by Susan Somethingorother.

9. Four words to describe yourself: Talkative (I heard that "amen" from the back row), sensitive, dependable, loyal

10. Guilty pleasure? The "Fugly" blog. HYSTERICAL! "Don't Eat That, Steve" blog (also hysterical). 80's "Hair" Metal.

11. Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak? MotH and I have fun together and he makes me laugh. AM says the darndest things and I laugh at him a lot.

12. Favorite thing to do in the summer? Family trips. BBQ and eating on the deck.

13. Planning to travel to next? Our next family trip is our annual summer trip to Branson. We have a boat this year, so it should be super fun. Even considering I have to wear a bathing suit.

14. Best thing you ate or drank lately? Not that chocolate CRAP candy bar, I can tell you that!

The lettuce on my salad was very crispy. That's the best I can come up. Oh, and I had some yummy bean salad for lunch.

15. When did you last get tipsy? Eons ago.

16. Favorite ever film? I don't have one. I have some I watch over and over (Father of the Bride, Pretty Woman and recently 27 Dresses), but nothing that I can say "that's my favorite".

17. Care to share some wisdom? No, I don't like to share.

18. Least favorite thing about driving in the boondocks? Gravel roads that need to be graded. You can lose a liver on a gravel road that is past due on being graded! I don't like all the dust from gravel roads either.

19. Least favorite part of your day? Morning. I am SO not a morning person. I've said it before: I don't great the day with a smile. I get dragged into a new day kicking and screaming.

20. Why do you blog? My blog started as a way for me to chronicle our Chinese adoption. Since that became an endless waiting game, I started blogging about whatever strikes my fancy.

There you go. All you ever cared to know about "meme".

Monday, May 18, 2009

Field Trip Observations

Today marked the first day of the last week of school for AM. As is the custom in most schools, the entire last week will consist of field trips, movie watching, desk cleaning and other assortment of non-academic related good times.

I'm finally old enough that I ask "why do we bother with this week". When I was living the week (a long, long time ago. Back before Al Gore invented the internet......thanks Al!), the final week of school was like the appetizer for summer.

I do not have the same appreciation for this week, now that it means I have to buy MORE school lunch stuff when we've already maxed out the learning potential for the year.

Anywho, today was the field trip to the zoo, followed by a free-for-all-play-fest at the park across from the zoo.

While we were at the park (the zoo portion was relatively brief), I made some observations while the kids played. They are:

* it does not matter how many pieces of play equipment a park contains, young boys will still try to climb trees

* cities spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to provide active entertainment for kids by way of the park. Despite this, the item most played with, poked at, rolled around and tossed about was a used Sonic cup. I kid you not. I watched at least a handful of kids completely stop what they were doing to poke at this particular cup until there was little left of it.

* approximately nine kids can ride the rocking teeter-totter and even though it lists dramatically to one side, it still won't capsize.

* the same boys that pee on toilet seats and find flatulence top-rate comedy will cover their noses with their shirts and insist that we "hurry up" and get out of the smelly animal exhibits (zoo observation)

* squirrels in the park across from the Topeka zoo are rather bold. One walked so close to AM that I thought it was going to attack him. I do not know if squirrels attack, I only know that I believed it possible when this particular bushy-tailed tree rat was stalking my kid. (okay, this had nothing to do with the kids.........but seriously, this squirrel freaked me out!)

* for reasons unknown to me, kids will shriek at the top of their lungs when they go through the tunnel on the train in the park. Okay, I "get" that. They are kids and kids are prone to shrieking. What I do NOT get is WHY the "conductor" felt compelled to add to the noise volume by blowing the whistle.

* when faced with a choice, boys will jump on the retaining wall and run on it when racing a friend. Nope, can't run on the perfectly safe, even-leveled ground. They have to dash along a 12-inch wide section of shin-busting brick.

I'm certain I made more observations, but that's what I'm able to come up with right now. I need to go pack AM's lunch.